Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell? The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower? What are imitation rhinestones? What do batteries run on? What do chickens think we taste like? What do penguins wear for play clothes? What do people in China call their good plates? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? What do they call a French kiss in France? Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
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The first step in laughter is finding the funny in everything. Each person has a different sense of humor, but we all love to laugh. A laugh can cure a multitude of ills better than some other remedies! Well here's my attempt to make you laugh... My singing is only good enough for back up. As long as I keep backing up out the door it's good! I'm half Italian. The bottom half! I guess that's why I was asked the other day, do you beep when you back up? I'm vegetarian, but there is one meat I eat! Yes, I am a girl! But I don't judge to each his own!! What do golfers and the Queen of England have in common? They love Tea time! Why do they say growing old since clearly every grandma and grandpa I've seen are getting smaller? Why do they use the expression that you are crying the blues? Well I don't know about you, but my tears have always been clear? Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it goes! Plus when it gets to the end it really stinks! A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here. Go hang yourself, you old M.D,! You shall not sneer at me. Pick up your hat and stethoscope, Go wash your mouth with laundry soap; I contemplate a joy exquisite In not paying you for your visit. I did not call you to be told. My malady is a common cold. By pounding brow and swollen lip; By fever's hot and scaly grip; By those two red redundant eyes That weep like woeful April skies; By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff; By handkerchief after handkerchief; This cold you wave away as naught Is the damnedest cold man ever caught! Give ear, you scientific fossil! Here is the genuine Cold Colossal; The Cold of which researchers dream, The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme. This honored system humbly holds The Super-cold to end all colds; The Cold Crusading for Democracy; The Führer of the Streptococcracy. Bacilli swarm within my portals Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals, But bred by scientists wise and hoary In some Olympic laboratory; Bacteria as large as mice, With feet of fire and heads of ice Who never interrupt for slumber Their stamping elephantine rumba. A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth! Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth; Don Juan was a budding gallant, And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent; The Arctic winter is fairly coolish, And your diagnosis is fairly foolish. Oh what a derision history holds For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds! Monday Morning Blues by David Ronald Bruce Pekrul The keys are in the refrigerator, The IPod's in my boot, And I am running late for work, The toast is in my suit. No coffee in the percolator, Just water, very hot, Now what is it I have to do? Oh, Lord, I just forgot. My shoes are in the elevator, My socks are in the shoes, And I am getting dizzy, With the Monday morning blues. The phone is in the garburator, My lunch is in the sink, And though my day has just begun, I think I need a drink. My foot is on the accelerator, My brain is back at home, My hair is falling in my eyes, I think I need a comb. And I am no exaggerator, Each week is just the same, For every Monday I wake up, And play the same old game. $igns You're Really Broke... American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. Your bologna has no first name. You give blood every day ... just for the orange juice. Sally Struther's sends you food. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. At communion you go back for seconds. and last but not least... You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 23. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 22. Don't tell me you forgot to bring the anatomy book! 21. Someone call the janitor! We're going to need a mop! 20. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.. 19. Oh no! I just lost my contact. 18. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration! 17. Hmmm.. I never knew that thing was in there... 16. What's this doing here? 15. What do you mean you want a divorce? 14. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 13. That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?! 12. Rats, there go the lights again... 11. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 10. You fool! You got the arms and legs switched. 9. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 8. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 7. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 6. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 5. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 4. Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! 3. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 2. Ah, well.. I never really did like this guy too much... and last but not least... 1. "Pass the scalpel" . . . "Sure! Here you go, Dr. Kevorkian!" Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? Top 10 Things that lawyer say that sound like Porn 1. Have you looked through her briefs? 2. He's one hard judge! 3. Counselor let's do it in chambers! 4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute! 5. Is it a penal offense? 6. Better leave the handcuffs on 7. For $200 an hour she better be good! 8. Can you get him to drop his suit? 9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could! 10. Think you can get me off What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British! What ghost haunted King George III? The spirit of ’76! Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up! What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved! What dance was very popular in 1776? Indepen-dance! How is a healthy person like the United States? They both have good constitutions! |
Dawn AndersonWritten for Your Inspiration, Implementation, Invigoration, Illustration, Information, Intellectualization... Archives
May 2023
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